Fantasy Dreams

I'z is broke :( but I know how to deal with it... Pinching pennies, scraping up food and pulling money out of my ass. Some times I forget how good I am at managing when I am broke.

I have been making homemade sourdough bread the trick to sourdough is baking soda. You add some to cut the acid level so that the yeast will grow. Depending on the recipe you use some call for it some don't. I like it because it really helps the bread rise.

Other sourdough tidbits... when you finished making the dough all that flour stuff you scrape up from the counter toss them into the sour dough starter to save a bit of flour. Sourdough waffles taste better then regular ones and are much lighter too boot. Never never use metal with sourdough or it will get eaten by the acid.

If you want to try to make sourdough here is how to make a starter the easy way:

Take a clean 4 L (gallon) jar toss in a tablespoon of dry yeast. Add up to 4 cups of water put in 1 tablespoon of sugar and stir well. Add up too 4 cups of flour (matching the amount of water used) stir well then cover with plastic wrap. Leave it on the counter out of drafts. Stir it 2 or 3 times a day it is ready to use at the earliest 48 hours after mixing. Every time you use some add more flour and water and you will never run out.

Mmmmm I should look into seeing if I can find a bread maker recipe.

Ta for now

An early Happy Birthday Wish is going out to Unca Ghastly from ghastlycomic ... How old is he?? I have no clue Old enough to Be Unca Ghastly and that is good enough for me :D </span>

Ever had life pick you up, fuck you over in the least comfortable ways imaginable, drop you on your head and laugh at you while doing so?

Well if you have ever suffered a loss you know what I am talking about. Death dieing and grief is one of the hardest things you will ever do. And the thing is every time you lose someone/thing else and unresolved grief will come back and bite you  in the ass... Hard. I am simply so very very tired.

K I have been a long time reader of Ms. Lexy (AKA Alexandra Erin) author of Tales of MU and a firm supporter of web based serials in principle. I read a couple some good some better but rarely do I find one this good. Not since I found Ms. Lexys stories have I found one good enough to plug so here it is.

Seth Gray has come up with an excellent story; it is fast paced full of plot hooks to drag you in and under. So far in his 20 chapters he has created the world of Regan St. James with bright colors and amazing clarity. It has a feel of Buffy as well as Romeo and Juliet, you can see love blossoming though danger and pitfalls abound all around him. I am actually so excited by this story I can not think straight... There plug is kinda out so I am going to go babble in the corner till the next update.

Seth's plug that he kindly made the HTML for so I can just c/p :P

Title: Dead Boyfriend
Rating: Overall, NC-17
Warnings: swearing, violence, and gay sex
Summary: Regan St. James is just your typical eighteen-year-old vampire hunter. He enjoys sharp objects and random hook-ups. But one night, in a quiet little mountain college town, he meets a guy named Ira who just might change his life. If he can survive Ira's relatives, of course.



( Abandon prudishness ye who enter here--fantasy violence and gay sex awaits. )

Blaugh Sleep is funny some times it makes you feel good some times it makes you feel worse.

The other day I ran into an acquaintance and when she asked about where I was working I told her about my health probs and that I was disabled now... Well she goes off on this MAGIC JUICE... *Headdesk* Well I just nodded and was polite. She was going on and on about how it would fix my diabetes and cholesterol, just by drinking it every day. I said I couldn't afford something like that and maaaaaaaaaaaan that was a mistake. She went into High gear giving this spiel about how people are making millions of dollars every year with this stuff. I said I wasn't a sales person and she was almost offended "Oh this isn't selling anything this is just spreading the word"... Fuck Set myself up for that one. No no none of those "Magic cures" or "Natural cures" are about selling... you just give people the information and it sell itself... Well Gee Whizz Silly me!!  I thought that was what selling stuff was!! OBVIOUSLY I was wrong....

Really there is no magic juice.. there is no magic root, herb, spice or fruit. There is healthy eating and taking care of yourself. Yes some food has more good stuff in it then others... but eating one food too much can be just as bad. Eating healthy food and making sure you get a good amount and variety of fresh fruit and veggies will do more for you then any "magic" food. Yes there are antioxidants and vitamins and minerals and other things that are good for you; BUT THEY WILL NOT CURE YOU. Taking care of yourself will. And No not every thing will work the same for everyone, every human is different and they have different needs and reactions.

Bah my head hurts now Here is another Tim Minchin video

How can you tell if you are being lied to online?

I mean in person you can look for signs such as nervous gestures, blinking, rapid breathing higher pulse... but online?

Online someone can tell you anything they want no matter how bad it ends up hurting you... Some for the thrill some for desperate calls for attention. I am in a pretty good social Forum and I truly believe the people there wouldn't lie to me... Now at least. There were a few people that would lie and manipulate the other people on the forum... The fact that they felt they had to lie hurt Me more then the lies themselves.

Somethings are totally believable and believing them winds you into the deceit... When people would lie to try and hurt someone else I couldn't stand it... it hurt so deeply because well why would someone I care about deliberately lie to hurt someone else I care about? People in Real life don't need to live in a Soap Opera plot... Why do they do things that causes it? 

Part of it comes down to the primal "Mine" idea... Normal* people have grown past the worst of this idea but most people haven't. The thought that something/person/area belongs to you... and like the primal animal that is in all of us** you Defend your turf... A million years ago you might have done this by throwing rocks or sticks or simply going apeshit biting and clawing. But Now... now, we have much more effective weapons. 

No I am not talking about guns or martial arts or even an aluminum baseball bat. I am talking about the very weapon I am communicating to you with... Words. Starting whispering campaigns about your "perceived" enemy, rumors, even putting words in their mouth. And if you can't do that... you threaten them... tell them they are worthless or lazy or weak... Driving the weapon deeper into their hearts with every word.

Verbal abuse is rampant and not only in schools with your kids... Ya that is the most visual example of word assault*** Look at the 11 year olds that killed themselves this year... My friend ValkyriePhoenix  brought to my attention of the plight of Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover and Jaheem Herrera two innocent boys that suffered from verbal word abuse so severely they killed themselves over it. It tears my heart to see the abuse those boys suffered but even more is the abuse adults subject each other to. Because then it is much more malignant... they know, they KNOW how their words can harm but they do it anyway. Why? Because they are afraid or over territorial. But you know something... that is no fucking excuse.

I have seen brother against brother sister against sister and I ask myself... Why haven't they learned? This is WRONG....


* Ummm some vague idea of a well adjusted happy adult that supposedly is alive somewhere on this mudball we call home
** It is called the Mid-brain
*** Ummm did I coin a new phrase?  

As with my last post I had a Tim Minchin vid to share on the subject... this subject also has a Tim Tube to share

Ummm ... *Looks around* Oh... wait... I know this place... I forgot about this...

Well, actually, no that is a lie...

I didn't I just had no idea what to talk about here; I exhausted the poetry and I don't really like to talk about my current personal life. So I may wax philosophical  over brain patterns and cognitive behaviors... May toss some tidbit out from the books I plan to write one day... I might get a ghost writer/partner thing what ever that I can just gush stuff at and they can type it... they better be able to do 200 words per minute from dictation... I tend to talk fast when I am excited. I Might Juuuuuuuuuust maybe find out how to record myself and post it here. So when I do one of my talks; see *Blush* I like talk to an "Audience" <.< >.> it is usually the weeds and wild flowers/Snow drifts as I wait for the kids' bus *Ahem*. So if I can figure out how... I may show my face around here.

So here is one Cognitive babble I have had:

 I have always had problems with anger... the abused often do and through out my life I tried to tame my anger or suppress it. That don't work too good.

So I turned, in the past ... wow about 11 years ago now, to therapy. Then I was a confident young adult  with a good job, a loving partner and a home. I would rant about my coworkers or how things weren't fair and all sorts of stuff from my past. Therapists after therapist (I had to switch several time for various reasons) tried to help me and in a way they did; they got me thinking about why I was angry and that I was allowed to be angry. But there was always something missing some key I couldn't find to control my anger.

When I found My therapist in 2005 it was a bit more crucial to help me survive the loss of my father, then then deal with the anger issues. It has been something that has included in the therapy but more of a "This is an emotion learn to use your wise mind to rule it" then attention directly at the anger itself. And lately I have been realizing that most anger is not real.

Now I know what you are thinking "WTF How can that visceral, all encompassing, Driving emotion not be real??" But really what is anger? It is a biological reaction when your heat beats faster, your adrenalin skyrockets, you sweat more and you react instead of acting. Sound familiar? What other emotion feels like that?.... Fear

When you are driving and someone cuts you off, you curse and swear, angry that they are idiots and are generally pissed off yes? But if you could slow it down... if you could watch from a distance inside your head what REALLY happens... The car starts to veer in front of you... Your reaction... Adrenalin shoots through your system you are afraid of being hit so you take what ever steps necessary to avoid a collision. Then you get angry. Not because they are idiots but because you were afraid. Your life, your existence in some way was threatened.

When you break it down almost all anger comes from fear whether is is because some one is threatening you/loved ones, taking your Stuff*, or doing something that sparks your fear. Like if You have real issues with heights and your friend or someone you care about decides to taunt you by stepping closer and closer to the edge you get angry and yell at them because you are afraid they will fall. Not because you are frustrated with them.

That leads to the other reason for anger something that happens much less often. Frustration, best example is trying to fit pegs in a hole like the little kids toy... the pegs are there and you can put in some but some others just don't fit and you try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try till you are ready to cry because you are so frustrated. But this also has a hint of fear to it as well. Say that you are trying to fix something for someone whether it is for your work or to do something good for a loved one (read impress). And it just isn't working you get angry... why? Partially because it is not working the right way and partially because you are afraid that this failure will diminish you in the eyes of the one watching. Doesn't matter if it is the eyes of your boss or the eyes of your child the fear of being diminished is primal. Look at the Japanese culture; how much emphasis they put on "Saving Face".

The best example I can think of is my brother. While my Father was dieing he was often angry but how he expressed it was unusual. He cut his hair from mid back to a close cut style very similar to our fathers chosen style. He threw himself into building a bathroom for our father... he would have his regular job DJing at a karaoke bar sleep for 2 or 3 hours then come to Dads house and work himself to the bone and when something was not working he would curse and swear but if you looked at him you could see the panic in his eye... the fear he would fail his father... The very last chance he had to impress him.

With everything I have been learning about the mind and how it works and more importantly why it works the way it does I have been slowly discovering the real person I am... and now... When I feel angry and want to lash out I try** to ask myself "What are you so afraid of?"

*Stuff can mean anything you feel belongs to you, from your possessions, friends, your Position, or your Social Standing... this is real primal stuff

**Well If I can breath and still have some control over my reactions... once a full throttle I BE PISSED mood is reached I am not thinking with the fore-brain 

Speaking of Anger :D Have I got a YouTube for you! A friend turned me on to Tim Minchin recently and he has a "Poem" that is just wonderful.





Tim is a god I swear, the man uses humor and satire to address volatile issues that a lot pf politicians don't touch willingly (Cus they don't want to be lynched). I will save Taboo for another update but because I Love it so I will give you one more precious nugget of Shiny shiny Tim Gold.




This has to be my fav song by Tim... Comedy doesn't usually make you cry from the awesome truth in it while it is making you bust your gut laughing. I do think that This is my theme song now; because you know... I am not Perfect.... But I am Mine

Now the war of insomnia and fatigue, poisoning is coming to an end and I shall nap soon Hope you like my ramblings *Blush*

Linkies to cool places*:  Angry (Feet)  Tales of MU

* cus I don't know how to put it on the side

Hee hee hee My hubbie is home from camp so I have forgotten* to post here so I will try to pick it up again. Toodles ;)

*BUSY hee hee

Drops

From Heaven To My Eyes...

They Swirl...

They Twirl...

Floating To My Mind...

I Swirl...

I Twirl...

Swept Up With Them...

 

Beautie Undefined.

Sleep

sweet slumber

nestled in clouds

swooping through

sky so blue

miss you

I do

night again

day again

will it

never end

 

 

7:42:47 AM

October 22, 2004



A Cookie to who ever figures out what I am talking about :)

I will start posting My Poetry here... This one is a poem Piers Anthony posted on his newsletter last year... I wrote it & showed it to him & he really liked this one. 




October 20, 2004 7:47:04 PM

Well my Kid is home, she was away for a long weekend sleepover (whoo Mom got to sleep). We are settling down for the night with Chocolate Ice cream Yumm. I can only hope she will sleep well tonight, she hasn't since her Dad went to mine camp. Speaking of my hubbie, he is having a good go at this camp & we are looking forward to when he comes home in 5 weeks. I need to put together a care package for him he wants a camera & new running shoes! Oh well we will get his first check soon to cover that. Soon I will have to get my homework for my core mindfulness class done. I have to do 3 pages before thursday. I am really hoping this class will help me deal being a part-time single parent. I really miss my Hubbie; having him gone is a lot harder then I thought it would be lol. Gotta blast the kid is finished her Ice cream so we need to brush teeth & all that jazz. 
Sleep Well Fan

Well I am not sure what I will use this for yet... I may post pics of my sculptures, try to write one of the multiple stories in my head or be Emo about my hubbie being away working at camp. I will definitely talk about my kid & how cute she is/how annoying she can be lol. So you pick what should I do?

Poll #xxxx What to do??
Open to: all, results viewable to: all

How should I use this journal?

Pics of my sculptures/other art
Write stories
Emo about hubbie
Brag about kid
Whine about kid